š£Israel’s “Please Stop Launching Things” Doctrine: The Weird, True & Freaky Saga of Iran’s Missile Menace...
WTF Is That on the Radar?
By the Global WTF Desk, July 2025 Edition
š️šØ️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it.
INTRO: Ballistic Behavior in a Thermonuclear Sandbox
Welcome to Middle East Season 12, Episode 1: Iran’s Missiles and the End of Earth as We Know It. In the latest installment of global brinkmanship meets regional cosplay, Iran has finally made the strategic decision to stop pretending it only wants nuclear power for “peaceful medical research.” Apparently, what Iran really wants is the power to yeet 2,000 kg of explosive diplomacy at European capitals and maybe throw in a few gifts toward the U.S. East Coast while they're at it.
Because nothing says "sovereignty" like a missile aimed at Times Square.
Israel, ever the vigilant overachiever in the class called “How Not to Get Wiped Off the Map 101,” launched preemptive strikes that turned half of Iran’s missile-launcher inventory into metallic confetti. But here’s the kicker—even with only 400 functioning launchers, Iran still managed to fire 500+ ballistic missiles during the 12-Day War.
So, in short: yes, Iran’s missiles can hit Europe. Yes, they’re trying to reach America. And no, they’re not using Waze for guidance—they've got actual warhead delivery systems in place. Awesome.
CHAPTER 1: Rocketman vs. Mullahs: Who's More Extra?
Trump, freshly re-inaugurated and live-tweeting from a bunker-adjacent golf cart, responded to Israeli briefings about Iranian missile threats with:
“I told Obama not to give them $150 billion. Now they’re making firecrackers for Brussels. Disgraceful! Sad!”
The Pentagon’s response was more measured: they updated DEFCON, re-tasked satellites, and quietly asked SpaceX if Elon’s Starlink could detect inbound Shahab-3s. Spoiler alert: it can’t. It’s built for memes and cat videos.
The Israeli military, however, wasn’t memeing. They turned the skies over the Middle East into an Iron Dome rave and vaporized half of Iran’s launcher infrastructure before the Ayatollahs even finished their nightly anti-Zionist poetry hour.
Still, Iran launched 500 missiles. Because apparently they’ve been stockpiling like it’s 1999, and mass-producing munitions like there’s a two-for-one deal on uranium.
CHAPTER 2: Europe Called. They’re Not Amused.
The missiles capable of hitting Europe have officials in Berlin, Paris, and Rome collectively doing the diplomatic version of wetting themselves. Macron was last seen inspecting French shelters while muttering something about Brigitte and pasta.
The Israeli intel suggests Iran's working toward a range extension project for their IRBM systems, aiming to strike not just Tel Aviv or Athens, but New York and Washington D.C. too.
Iran's logic?
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Can’t win a conventional war?
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Got surrounded by a ring of airstrikes?
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Lost half your launchers?
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No problem—just hit Brussels and blame the Mossad.
CHAPTER 3: Operation Boom-Dome: Israel’s Preemptive Strike Party
Here’s a quick breakdown from the Israeli military official who briefed journalists with a coffee in one hand and satellite imagery in the other:
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Iran began with ~400 launchers.
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Israel destroyed 200+ in 72 hours.
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Iran still fired 500+ missiles.
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Israel’s casualty count? 29 civilians.
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Military losses? Zero.(Seriously. Not one active-duty IDF soldier died. Either divine intervention or incredible kill-chain AI.)
But the truly WTF part? The Iranian missile “ring of fire” is not theoretical anymore. It’s operational. Missiles from Gaza. Rockets from Hezbollah. Drones from Yemen. And allegedly, firecrackers from Iraq labeled “Property of IRGC – Do Not Detonate Near Embassies.”
This isn't regional strategy. It's the world’s worst fireworks festival, brought to you by Khamenei Inc.
CHAPTER 4: The Triple Threat Nobody Asked For
The Israeli official called it the “Triple Existential Threat”:
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Nuclear Weapons: Iran is enriching uranium to 90%, and no, it's not for cancer treatment.
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Ballistic Missiles: Over 2,000 in stock. Could grow to 20,000. Who needs peace when you have parabolas?
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Proxy Militias: From Hamas to Hezbollah to Houthis to "Henchmen Unknown," the IRGC is franchising faster than Subway.
Let’s be honest: Iran doesn’t want peace. Iran wants a revolution-themed Laser Tag world war, starring martyrs, ballistic launches, and state TV music videos of rocket tests.
CHAPTER 5: The Cluster Bomb Clause – When War Gets Illegally Weird
In a final act of poetic barbarism, Iran used cluster bombs in civilian zones. No tactical value. Just psychological terror, like a Middle Eastern version of Saw II but with shrapnel.
The official called it a “war crime” (correct), and confirmed that thanks to public safety drills and AI-based early warning systems, most Israelis were already in bunkers by the time the explosions happened.
36 impact zones. 29 civilian deaths. That’s tragic—but far lower than it could’ve been. And in a WTF twist, Israel even launched precision drone strikes that took out several IRGC Quds Force liaison officers hiding in Gaza schools… using VPN routers.
CHAPTER 6: Trump’s Solution: Ban Uranium, Build Hotels
While Israeli jets circle Lebanon and Iran goes back to "nuclear denial mode," President Trump held a press conference at Mar-a-Lago with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (don’t ask).
When asked about Iran’s ICBM capabilities, Trump said:
“We had peace when I was here before. Now they’re trying to bomb Europe? Unreal. I say we build Trump Reactors™. Clean nukes. Best nukes. And no missiles unless they pay tariffs!”
He also teased a “Trump Tower Bushehr” once the fallout clears.
Meanwhile, Rosatom CEO Alexey Likhachev warned the world had “crossed a dangerous line,” hinting at accidental nuclear meltdown scenarios like Chernobyl 2.0—but this time with more hashtags.
CHAPTER 7: Final Thought – Apocalypse by Logistics
The most chilling analysis isn’t about missiles that can hit New York. It’s about nuclear reactors melting down because of sanctions, sabotage, or mismanagement. Imagine Iran’s Bushehr reactor struck during wartime, power off, cooling fails… and no one left alive to warn the world.
The real threat isn’t a deliberate nuke launch. It’s a desperate regime with bad wiring, fraying nerves, and a button they think leads to paradise.
WTF Comments Section (Now with More Trolls):
š️šØ️ Stay tuned for our next analysis: "Will Hezbollah open a coffee shop in Paris with stolen missile tech?"
Because in 2025, nothing’s off the table—and apparently, everything’s on the launchpad.
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