🔍Weekend at Biden’s: The Senate, Stage-Nine Prostate Cancer, and the WTF Mystery of Who Actually Ran America...
An Autopen, A Cabinet of Shadows, and a Very Confused Dog Named Commander
By Our Chief Investigator of Political Comedies, Shadow Governments & Post-Democratic Theater
WHEN THE PRESIDENT FORGOT TO BE PRESIDENT
It was a presidency that began with great promise, historic firsts, and high ideals—and apparently ended with a stage-nine prostate cancer diagnosis, a subpoena for his wife, and a Senate investigation into who the hell was actually running the country while Joe Biden was still technically in office.
The questions are now pouring in faster than Hunter Biden’s laptop scandals:
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Who really ran America during Biden’s term?
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Why was the public kept in the dark about his health?
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Was the President being “handled” like a malfunctioning Alexa?
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And did Dr. Jill Biden just accidentally become America’s first elder abuser-in-chief?
ACT I: “THE BIG COVER-UP” — FEATURING A LEADER, A DIAGNOSIS, AND A DISAPPEARING PRESIDENT
But then it hit.
The announcement that former President Joe Biden had been diagnosed with an “aggressive form” of prostate cancer. Cue dramatic music and confused silence.
Not only was this the first official confirmation of his deteriorating health—critics were quick to point out that it was also suspiciously late.
Republican Senator Ron Johnson, no stranger to tinfoil or subpoenas, was the first to say what half of America was already thinking:
“Who the hell was in charge of the United States government when Biden was stage-nine and snoozing through Cabinet meetings?”
ACT II: ENTER SENATOR RON JOHNSON AND HIS “HUNGER GAMES” SUBCOMMITTEE
Armed with subpoenas, indignation, and a clipboard filled with "people who looked concerned in meetings", Senator Johnson launched what might go down as the greatest political whodunnit since Watergate’s intern accidentally jammed the copier.
Letters were sent to everyone:
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Former Cabinet Members
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White House Interns
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Whoever was controlling Biden’s teleprompter
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And possibly even Commander, the White House dog who bit 18 Secret Service agents and may have been trying to warn us all.
The stated goal?
To find out who ran America during Biden’s later years, when, as Johnson puts it, “he clearly wasn’t driving the bus… or even in the vehicle.”
Rumors abound that Biden hadn’t touched a policy document since 2023 and had been signing legislation with a ceremonial autopen* from Delaware while being wheeled out for press conferences like a hologram of political stability.
*What is an Autopen? A Clear Summary
An autopen is a mechanical device used to automatically replicate a person’s signature without their direct involvement. It's commonly used by celebrities, politicians, and other public figures who receive frequent autograph or document signing requests.
Modern autopens use a motorized mechanical arm that reproduces a pre-programmed signature with impressive precision. While these signatures look similar to handwritten ones, they are made with consistent pressure—unlike natural handwriting, which varies.
Autopens provide plausible deniability, allowing the signature to appear personal even if it was machine-generated. However, in the world of collectibles, autopen signatures are considered less valuable and require verification to be accepted as genuine.
Early autopens worked by tracing a signature matrix engraved on a plate, using a stylus connected to a writing instrument. In 2005, the U.S. Department of Justice confirmed that autopen use is legally valid for official documents under the Constitution.
ACT III: DOCTOR JILL AND THE ELDER ABUSE ALLEGATION
The image of her propping Joe up at campaign events like a walking tripod, whispering answers into his ear mid-sentence, and gently steering him off the stage while smiling awkwardly—is seared into America’s collective memory.
If these allegations hold, America may have unwittingly become the first major democracy run by a well-meaning but overworked nurse-wife.
ACT IV: WHO REALLY RAN THE WHITE HOUSE?
This is where things get funny and terrifying.
Among the alleged inner circle who may have “stepped in” to guide the country while Biden nodded silently at paintings:
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National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan, possibly using ChatGPT to craft State of the Union addresses.
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Chief of Staff Jeff Zients, who allegedly had to explain to Biden that “Vladimir” was not “the guy from Veep.”
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Kamala Harris, who somehow got lost in a maze of her own metaphors and never returned.
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Barack Obama, rumored to have an “invisible earpiece hotline.”
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A sentient Roomba, which may have accidentally signed a climate bill.
And the biggest suspect of all?
The Deep State—that elusive group of career bureaucrats, unelected strategists, and shadowy aides who may or may not have governed the free world using Slack, espresso shots, and silent coups.
ACT V: TRUMP RESPONDS — WITH CAPS LOCK AND A CONSPIRACY
Naturally, Donald Trump chimed in from his golden iPhone and bunker of tweets:
“THEY KNEW BIDEN WAS GONE AND THEY RAN THE COUNTRY FOR HIM!!! AUTOPEN TREASON!!! THESE THUGS MUST PAY!!”
He went on to accuse the “Biden regime” of allowing “drug dealers, gang members, and the mentally insane” into the country because the people actually running things “knew Joe was cognitively impaired.”
Because, let’s face it:
When the President has stage-nine cancer, forgets what year it is, needs prompting to find the exit, and is still somehow signing executive orders—someone’s hands were on the wheel.
The only problem?
Nobody knows who.
ACT VI: POLITICAL THEATER OR DEMOCRATIC CRISIS?
Maybe.
But even the most die-hard liberal knows something was off:
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The sudden cancer announcement felt like a controlled demolition.
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Biden’s debate against Trump in 2024 looked more like a hospital patient facing cross-examination.
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His speech gaps, stair falls, and invisible handshake moments made Saturday Night Live sketches redundant.
If democracy dies in darkness, this presidency moonwalked into a blackout and then tried to sign executive orders using crayons.
EPILOGUE: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
Senator Ron Johnson’s investigation may uncover shocking truths—or it may end in procedural bureaucracy and a few sternly worded reports that nobody reads.
But the bigger question remains:
What happens when a nuclear-armed superpower accidentally turns into a political nursing home?
Maybe the punchline is this:
America was never governed by a person. It was run by inertia, PR managers, and a sentient Google Calendar.
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