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A WTF-Level Deep Dive Into Why the U.S. Military Is Becoming a Cautionary Tale in Procurement Pornography
Written by: Supreme Commander Budgetburn Costalot, Admiral Audit Kickbackovich, Lt. Gen. Lobby McProfit, and Corporal Spreadsheet Sharma - Office of Classified Invoices & Plausible Deniability, Institute for Profitable Incompetence and Delayed Deliverables, Department of Bureaucratic Sabotage & Post-Conflict Coffee Tables, Pentagon
CHAPTER 1: WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF LOCKHEED
Imagine a country so rich, so powerful, and so industrially obsessed with building gold-plated killing machines that it accidentally priced itself out of modern warfare.
At the heart of this glorious absurdity is what we can only describe as the Michelin-Star Defense Industry—America’s holy cartel of weapons manufacturers who believe war should be:
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Highly profitable
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Obscenely delayed
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Incomprehensibly over-engineered
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And designed to fail, but on schedule
So here we are, folks. A $1 trillion defense budget, a shrinking list of vendors, and a growing suspicion that Iranian mopeds with wings might outmatch the Pentagon’s portfolio of platinum-priced prototypes.
CHAPTER 2: WHEN FIVE COMPANIES OWN YOUR ENTIRE WAR
Let’s get some numbers out of the way.
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51 major defense prime contractors in 1990.
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<10 in 2025.
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$1 trillion U.S. defense budget this year.
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5 companies eating most of it like it’s Thanksgiving at Raytheon’s.
The U.S. defense ecosystem is now so consolidated, it makes Soviet-era central planning look like Burning Man.
Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Raytheon (RTX), Northrop Grumman, and General Dynamics are not just defense firms anymore — they’re basically shadow branches of the Pentagon, but with much better holiday parties and stock buybacks.
Even Donald Trump — a man who once thought nuking hurricanes was strategic policy — admitted it:
“They’ve all merged. It’s not even competitive anymore.”
Welcome to the Defense Monopoly Board, where every square says “Lockheed Wins” and the only Get Out of Jail Free card is a PAC donation.
CHAPTER 3: COST-PLUS CONTRACTS: HOW TO CHARGE $4,000 FOR A TOASTER
The “cost-plus” contract model ensures that if a fighter jet program fails, the manufacturer still wins. They just tack on “research challenges”, blame “systems complexity”, and then send the bill to Congress with a nice bow.
Result?
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The F-35: $1.7 trillion in lifetime costs.
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The B-21: Classified pricing, but let’s be real — if you have to ask, you can’t invade.
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The MQ-9 Reaper: $30 million per drone, but can be taken down by a $500 rifle in Yemen.
Meanwhile, Iran’s Shahed-136 kamikaze drone costs about $20,000 — or as Lockheed calls it, “the price of one paperclip holder.”
CHAPTER 4: PINAKA VS GMLRS — THE EASTERN UPPERCUT
Let’s now take a moment to appreciate India, which managed to develop the Pinaka multiple rocket launcher for less than half the cost of the U.S. equivalent (GMLRS).
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Pinaka per rocket: ~$56,000
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GMLRS per rocket: ~$148,000
What’s the difference?
Well, the U.S. version comes with:
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An ergonomic PowerPoint on ethical warfighting
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A climate change impact study
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A diversity & inclusion compliance report
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And a 6-month Pentagon procurement delay
India’s version comes with:
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Rockets
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More rockets
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A user manual: “Press fire. Win.”
Similarly, India’s Akashteer missile defense system costs a fraction of NASAMS, yet can still intercept targets faster than a Lockheed lobbyist calls Congress.
CHAPTER 5: F-47 — NOW WITH LESS REGRET
After burning a few trillion dollars on the F-35 stealth fighter, the U.S. military finally had a revelation: “Maybe the contractor shouldn’t own the plane.”
Yes. Until now, Lockheed Martin basically held the blueprints, data, and even the metaphysical soul of the F-35. The Air Force couldn’t maintain or upgrade the fighter without paying royalties like it was a Spotify subscription.
So when the F-47 was announced, the Pentagon said:
“We will own the sustainment data this time.”
Translation: “We learned our lesson. Just kidding. Please don’t tank our stock price.”
CHAPTER 6: WHEN WINNING A WAR IS BAD FOR BUSINESS
There’s a perverse logic driving the U.S. defense industry: Peace is bad. War is great. Winning quickly is terrible.
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If you build systems that are agile, cheap, and effective — you're done in 6 months.
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If you build systems that require 14 years, 97 upgrades, 312 congressional hearings, and $19 billion in taxpayer therapy — you get a lifetime contract.
John Spencer and Vincent Viola (two actual experts, not Twitter commentators) summed it up:
“There’s no surge capacity. No modularity. No commercial integration. The system isn’t designed to win — it’s designed to last.”
CHAPTER 7: HOW INDIA, ISRAEL, IRAN, AND CHINA BUILT CHEAPER, SMARTER, SCARIER STUFF
In the 21st century, warfare is about:
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Drones that cost less than dinner for two at Olive Garden
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Missiles that fit in a backpack
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Cyber units in hoodies running denial-of-service attacks from their grandma’s basement
Meanwhile, the U.S. still builds aircraft carriers that take 15 years, cost $13 billion, and get stuck in dry dock because someone forgot to update the Wi-Fi.
CHAPTER 8: REFORM? GOOD LUCK TELLING BOEING TO MOVE FASTER
Even the White House — normally content to tweet motivational quotes and bomb Syria — is now screaming:
“Our defense acquisition system is outdated. Fix it. Or else.”
They’ve given the Pentagon 60 days to present a reform plan. Which, knowing Pentagon pace, will arrive in 2029 and cost $94 million to print.
What needs to change?
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Break up monopolies. No more “forever contractors.”
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Open competition. Let Silicon Valley, Indian DRDO, and Israeli startups bid.
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Iterate fast. No more 12-year procurement plans for 3-week wars.
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Shift from gold-plated to good-enough. Ukraine didn’t use stealth. They used Starlink and duct tape.
CHAPTER 9: THE WAR AMERICA CAN’T WIN — THE ONE IT BUILT FOR ITSELF
Let’s be blunt.
America could lose the next war not because it lacks money, nukes, or patriotism. But because it’s strangled by:
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Legacy procurement systems
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Cartel economics
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Politically protected contractors
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And a defense philosophy stuck in 1991
In the next conflict, the enemy won’t be deterred by 1,500-page Pentagon acquisition memos. They’ll be flying $1,000 drones through open windows.
Wars today are real-time, networked, scalable, cheap, ugly, and effective.
The U.S. defense industry is slow, bloated, gold-plated, politically shielded, and spiritually allergic to “fast and dirty.”
CHAPTER 10: THE CLOSING ARGUMENT: FROM KABUL TO K STREET
In a world where every defense dollar comes with a lobbyist, a fundraiser, and a think tank whitepaper, wars are no longer fought on the battlefield. They're fought:
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In committee hearings
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In R&D conferences
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In stock market spreadsheets
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In cocktail parties at Raytheon-sponsored galas
If America wants to survive the next war, it must decolonize itself from its own contractors.
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