🏛️Huckabee’s Huck & Roll: France’s Palestinian Push, Iran’s Nuke Drama, and the Ultimate WTF Spectacle at the UN...
A satirical and analytical newspaper article, complete with comedic commentary and diplomatic disbelief
If there’s one thing the UN General Assembly can always count on, it’s a fresh batch of geopolitical theater to outshine even Broadway’s best!
This week’s episode features US Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckabee, playing the role of righteous defender of Israel and blunt poker of French ambitions, while Iran’s nuclear revelations give the whole production an explosive edge. And let’s not forget—Macron’s cameo as the world’s self-appointed peace coach adds a sprinkle of condescending flair.
MIKE HUCKABEE VS. THE FRENCH RIVIERA PEACE PLAN
Huckabee, in Jerusalem for a Fox News exclusive (because of course he was), took aim at France’s Palestinian statehood push, describing it as “incredibly inappropriate.” Translation: “Macron, keep your baguettes out of our falafel.”
His message was part John Wayne, part Dr. Phil:
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France wants a Palestinian state? “Fine—build it on the French Riviera,” Huckabee snapped, adding, “Just don’t impose it on Israel.”
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Israel’s war on Hamas? “A savage, uncivilized conflict started by terrorists.”
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US-Israel ties? “Not a friendship, not an alliance—a partnership, yoked together tighter than a family reunion in rural Arkansas.”
THE IRANIAN NUCLEAR CIRCUS: “ATOMS FOR PEACE,” IRANIAN STYLE
- Uranium discs for bomb triggers in 2003.
- Secret sites, hidden stockpiles, mystery storage at “rug-cleaning plants.”
- 408.6 kg of 60% enriched uranium—enough for nine bombs if refined further.
The IAEA’s Rafael Grossi called it a “serious concern.” Netanyahu, on the Sabbath no less, thundered that “the world must act now.” And Huckabee? He was practically channeling a doomsday prophet: “When people say for 46 years that they plan to kill you, believe them.”
THE BACKDROP: FRANCE’S MIDNIGHT PEACE CONFERENCE
France’s Macron, like a well-meaning wedding planner who forgot the groom might be a war criminal, wants a peace conference in New York next month—co-hosted by Saudi Arabia, no less.
But Huckabee shut that down like a Baptist minister at a whiskey tasting: “The US will not participate. It’s a ruse, it’s revolting, and it’s happening at the worst possible moment.”
The implication? Macron’s pushing wedding vows in the middle of a bar brawl. And to Huckabee, that’s not just tone-deaf—it’s borderline insulting.
US-ISRAEL: BFFS, OR SOMETHING MORE?
Huckabee was keen to stress that the US-Israel relationship isn’t just a fling. It’s not even a marriage. It’s a “partnership”—a word he repeated more than a French waiter recites “du jour” specials.
And he’s not wrong:
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Intelligence sharing? Check.
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Military exercises? Check.
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Coordinated memes about Iranian missiles? Probably also check.
Even with occasional squabbles about Gaza or hostages, the bond is solid. “It has to be,” Huckabee said, looking every inch the guy who’s read Kissinger’s Diplomacy and thinks it’s a user manual.
THE IAEA NUCLEAR CARNIVAL: NINE BOMBS AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE
Let’s not forget the real existential crisis: Iran’s near-weapons-grade uranium stockpile. While Tehran claims it’s all “peaceful enrichment,” the IAEA says Tehran is basically two centrifuge upgrades away from making Chernobyl look like a fireworks show.
Huckabee’s blunt warning: “Iran says Israel is the Little Satan. America is the Great Satan. They’re serious about that, and we should be too.”
US intelligence? They say Iran’s “not quite there,” but every time Grossi opens his mouth, it sounds more like an obituary for nuclear non-proliferation than a reassuring progress report.
A SLIGHTLY DERANGED LOVE TRIANGLE: THE US, ISRAEL, AND IRAN
Diplomacy’s usual charade was on full display:
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Trump’s White House says, “We’ll try for a deal, but no nukes.”
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Iran says, “Lift sanctions or else.”
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Israel says, “We’ll bomb you if we have to.”
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Macron says, “Croissant, anyone?”
And so the dance goes on, a nuclear ballet choreographed in backrooms and punctuated by press conference bravado.
HUCKABEE ON HOSTAGES: THE HUMAN COST AMIDST THE BOMBS
Not everything was nuclear brinkmanship. Huckabee turned somber talking about Israeli hostages in Gaza: “One of the happiest days of my life will be when I can take off this hostage pin for good.”
He called Hamas’s actions “savage” and “uncivilized,” and said Israel’s offer to fly Hamas out in exile is “more than generous.” For Huckabee, the only way to end the suffering is for Hamas to “release the hostages and leave Gaza forever.”
ABRAHAM ACCORDS: THE LIGHT IN THE GLOOM
If there’s a bright spot in this geopolitical circus, it’s the Abraham Accords. Huckabee sees them as the future—proof that hating Israel is “meaningless,” and that pragmatic Arab states are realizing that peace pays better than perpetual jihad.
While he didn’t name the next signatories, he hinted at a “great atmosphere” and “dramatic changes” ahead—like a trailer for the next Marvel movie, but with real-world stakes.
FINAL THOUGHTS: THE WTF-LEVELS ARE OFF THE CHARTS
This week’s Middle East drama is more than a clash of headlines. It’s a cautionary tale about how diplomacy, egos, and secret centrifuge parties collide on the world stage. Macron wants to play peacemaker. Iran wants to play nuclear blackjack. Huckabee wants to keep the US-Israel love affair sealed tighter than a Tupperware lid. And Netanyahu? He wants the world to stop staring at its phone and actually act.
If it weren’t so deadly serious, it would be comedic gold—complete with uranium punchlines, French existentialism, and enough geopolitical facepalms to power a small city.
Stay tuned. The centrifuges aren’t done spinning, and neither is the Middle East’s WTF saga.
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